Last night I read a blog post (okay, I read most of it) about
the dangers of staying in a relationship that does not uplift, cultivate, or enhance
your life. I kind of stumbled upon the post. I saw it on a friend’s Facebook
page that I ended up on because I was looking for a picture. I shouldn’t have
seen the post, but I did and I think there is a good reason for this. Funny how
that happens.
For the past several months, I have really been struggling
with some deeply personal and internal conflicts about my place in life, my
role. From the time I was just a young child, I have always known I wanted to
be a special education teacher. This has been my calling, a certainty in my
life. I attended college and earned multiple teaching certifications, my master’s
degree, and taught special education for five years. Those years, for better or
worse, define who I am as a teacher. I was a damn good special education
teacher because I was passionate about my job, my kids, and my purpose.
I left special education a few years ago as my heart
physically began to give me more challenges. During this time, I found myself
unable to manage some of more hands-on tasks my specific role required and the
long hours were taxing on the body and mind. I switched positions, moving into
a role as a Reading Specialist, hoping that I would still find my soul
satisfied. Sadly, this has not been the case.
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| A beautiful creation by our oldest daughter, Kennedy. So fitting for this post. |
Almost four years later, I am in the relationship the author
of that blog post described, it is just the relationship with my career. My
husband and I have, through many a long discussion about work, decided we disagree
about what our careers need to mean to us. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is
one of the hardest working people I know and excels in his career, leading two
teams on a daily basis. My husband works in the corporate world while I have always
been surrounded by children at the elementary level, watching them grow, learn,
and change. I got to be an integral part of this process, something I treasured
in my last teaching role. I miss that feeling.
This year has been pretty tough, contemplating the decision
to stay in my job or take a leap of faith (in terrible economic times, with a
family of 6, a mortgage, car payments….) and try something new. Can you tell
the decision is a bit daunting? The practical, orderly side of my brain keeps
slapping the emotion-driven side, daring it to step out of line. Then I allow
myself a minute of “what-if-ing” and it all goes to hell. I would love to write
full time and work part time, but that is not a possibility for our family
right now. So in the meantime, I will continue to ponder, read, and write my
way through the internal chaos. Maybe I happen upon someone else’s blog post
about how to become a millionaire overnight. A girl can dream.
Another beautiful post of yours,Karen, where you share so much with us. Don't you find writing, in itself, to be amazingly therapeutic? That's what keeps many of us going. I understand the different way you and your husband feel about your careers. I think that probably happens quite often. The corporate world is totally the opposite of the educational world, and other jobs/careers which require a true passion. I'd like to recommend one of my favorite books: "This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love," by Tama Kieves. It was given to me about 10 years ago by a young woman who knew about and understood my surprising discovery that I wanted to be a writer! Although Tama Kieves had lots of money saved when she decided to quit her job and follow her dream (and I certainly didn't) it still helped and motivated me. Please remember to follow your bliss!
ReplyDeleteThanks Becky. This post kind of spilled out after reading a blog I saw. I so often find writing to be an outlet when I am feeling stuck. I am sure you are the same! Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I will have to add it to my Goodreads "Want to Read" list. Between that list and my stack here at home, I could be in trouble! It is a good problem to have though. I really do appreciate the feedback. Thanks for reading and responding! - Karen
DeleteKaren, What a heartfelt unabashed way to share. I'm humbled by your openness regarding your search. My daughter is an "Intervenor" which means she does the hands on work with her special students without the letters behind her name, and without the pay (barely minimum wage). I admire her dedication so much. It is a physically demanding job, as well as emotionally and even spiritually. So I get why you just can't jump back into that career. She feels a lack of support from administrators who just don't get it. Is there such a thing as a parttime administrator in the field of special ed? Maybe there is some sort of support position available to you? Perhaps teaching the teachers, holding seminars and training, acting as liason? I don't know. I do know that you are a writer, and writers must write! How about a book for Special Ed teachers? (My son is a teacher too, in the inner city of a depressed area.) I admire all educators who devote untold pieces of themselves to other people's children for the good of all. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMarcia - Thank you for the thoughtful comments! I have worked with paraprofessionals that do the same job as your daughter and been amazed by the demands put on them (especially considering the lack of pay). You have to love students and the work for these types of jobs. Sadly much of education has shifted this way, and I see many quality teachers in positions they do not find fulfilling. I absolutely loved teaching special ed but my body struggled with the demands. I am just at a crossroads and feeling very unsure. I would certainly love to write full time but that won't work with our family and financial needs at this time. I just have to keep looking, talking, writing, praying, etc. and hope the message will appear. :) - Karen
DeleteI meant to say how remarkable Kennedy's artwork is. Gorgeous.
DeleteThanks Marcia! She is incredibly talented, if I do say so myself!
ReplyDelete