|A beautiful creation by our oldest daughter, Kennedy. So fitting for this post.|
Saturday, March 2, 2013
In Search of a Place
Last night I read a blog post (okay, I read most of it) about the dangers of staying in a relationship that does not uplift, cultivate, or enhance your life. I kind of stumbled upon the post. I saw it on a friend’s Facebook page that I ended up on because I was looking for a picture. I shouldn’t have seen the post, but I did and I think there is a good reason for this. Funny how that happens.
For the past several months, I have really been struggling with some deeply personal and internal conflicts about my place in life, my role. From the time I was just a young child, I have always known I wanted to be a special education teacher. This has been my calling, a certainty in my life. I attended college and earned multiple teaching certifications, my master’s degree, and taught special education for five years. Those years, for better or worse, define who I am as a teacher. I was a damn good special education teacher because I was passionate about my job, my kids, and my purpose.
I left special education a few years ago as my heart physically began to give me more challenges. During this time, I found myself unable to manage some of more hands-on tasks my specific role required and the long hours were taxing on the body and mind. I switched positions, moving into a role as a Reading Specialist, hoping that I would still find my soul satisfied. Sadly, this has not been the case.
Almost four years later, I am in the relationship the author of that blog post described, it is just the relationship with my career. My husband and I have, through many a long discussion about work, decided we disagree about what our careers need to mean to us. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is one of the hardest working people I know and excels in his career, leading two teams on a daily basis. My husband works in the corporate world while I have always been surrounded by children at the elementary level, watching them grow, learn, and change. I got to be an integral part of this process, something I treasured in my last teaching role. I miss that feeling.
This year has been pretty tough, contemplating the decision to stay in my job or take a leap of faith (in terrible economic times, with a family of 6, a mortgage, car payments….) and try something new. Can you tell the decision is a bit daunting? The practical, orderly side of my brain keeps slapping the emotion-driven side, daring it to step out of line. Then I allow myself a minute of “what-if-ing” and it all goes to hell. I would love to write full time and work part time, but that is not a possibility for our family right now. So in the meantime, I will continue to ponder, read, and write my way through the internal chaos. Maybe I happen upon someone else’s blog post about how to become a millionaire overnight. A girl can dream.