I think I...

     A friend of mine from my teaching days at Mason Ridge has a blog called “One with the Pastor.” She calls herself the unlikely wife of a pastor and often blogs about the trials and tribulations of this role. She recently posted about her worst enemy. With her typical wit and skill, Rachel described her nemesis vividly. There is no doubt about it, this person would drive you crazy. After describing the many reasons she dislikes this person, Rachel revealed her worst enemy to be her inner thoughts.

     All I could think was, “Well played Rachel. Well played.”

     We all have them. Those terrible, negative, nagging thoughts that eat away at us from the inside out. The ones that keep us up at night while our spouse or partner snores away blissfully unaware. The thoughts that cause us to doubt our worth and question our capabilities. I think as women (sorry guys, most of my audience is female) most of us could hold honorary Phds in Overanalyzing.

     I began to think about her post and why we tend to allow our thoughts to rule us in such a manner. And I mean I really thought about it… which is kind of a quandary in itself. Deep thinking about your thinking. I wasn’t sure much good would come from it. But there I was. Rachel’s post struck a chord in me whether I liked it or not. It called me back to one of my own more recent posts about feeling like I needed to find my place and purpose.

     I decided to evaluate the role my inner thoughts had in my current “stuck” situation.

     Am I staying in an unfulfilling job because I am scared to take a risk? Sadly yes. Am I worried about what others might think of me if I throw caution to the wind and try something new or different. Undeniably yes. I don’t think I need to share more of the thought stream with you, the writing is one the wall.  My inner thoughts had become paralyzing instead of motivating.

     As a woman, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a writer, and a survivor I know myself to be stronger than my thoughts. It is time to take them back. I am reclaiming my identity here and now. Changes are coming, starting with these darn thoughts!


To visit Rachel's blog, go to: www.onewiththepastor.com

We're All in This Together

     You’ve probably heard the saying "We're all in this together!” and for each of us, different images spring to mind. Undiscovered talent, enthusiastic writers, frazzled artists trying to make our deadlines – we are all in this thing called “writing” together. 

     I still consider myself pretty new to the writing community here in St. Louis, having just seriously starting applying myself in the past year. Despite my rookie status, I find myself in the company of some amazing authors through writing critique groups, Saturday Writers, and SCBWI. Joining these groups, making a concerted effort to build relationships with other writers, has been one of the best things I have done to help with my stamina, outlook, and production. 

     Cultivating relationships with like-minded writers with whom we can share the successes (no matter how small) and rejections can make all the difference in how we feel about the work we do. Collaborating with each other in workshops, at critiques, over dinner, or with an adult-beverage will often provide inspiration or validation of our own artistic efforts. It's not uncommon to find another writer’s spin or variation might be just the answer to the endless writer’s block we’ve been facing. Even the smallest tweak can make a dramatic difference!

      Ultimately, we are connected because we are members of a profession that does not give up. We write because we are compelled to write. As one of the panel members from the Warrior Arts Alliance, Mr. James Moad, said, “The story is a living thing. We are tools for its expression.” Thankfully, I have found a tenacious bunch of tools to hang out with who inspire, motivate, push, and encourage me. We're all in this together!

In Search of a Place

Last night I read a blog post (okay, I read most of it) about the dangers of staying in a relationship that does not uplift, cultivate, or enhance your life. I kind of stumbled upon the post. I saw it on a friend’s Facebook page that I ended up on because I was looking for a picture. I shouldn’t have seen the post, but I did and I think there is a good reason for this. Funny how that happens. 

For the past several months, I have really been struggling with some deeply personal and internal conflicts about my place in life, my role. From the time I was just a young child, I have always known I wanted to be a special education teacher. This has been my calling, a certainty in my life. I attended college and earned multiple teaching certifications, my master’s degree, and taught special education for five years. Those years, for better or worse, define who I am as a teacher. I was a damn good special education teacher because I was passionate about my job, my kids, and my purpose. 

I left special education a few years ago as my heart physically began to give me more challenges. During this time, I found myself unable to manage some of more hands-on tasks my specific role required and the long hours were taxing on the body and mind. I switched positions, moving into a role as a Reading Specialist, hoping that I would still find my soul satisfied. Sadly, this has not been the case.

A beautiful creation by our oldest daughter, Kennedy. So fitting for this post.

Almost four years later, I am in the relationship the author of that blog post described, it is just the relationship with my career. My husband and I have, through many a long discussion about work, decided we disagree about what our careers need to mean to us. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is one of the hardest working people I know and excels in his career, leading two teams on a daily basis. My husband works in the corporate world while I have always been surrounded by children at the elementary level, watching them grow, learn, and change. I got to be an integral part of this process, something I treasured in my last teaching role. I miss that feeling.

This year has been pretty tough, contemplating the decision to stay in my job or take a leap of faith (in terrible economic times, with a family of 6, a mortgage, car payments….) and try something new. Can you tell the decision is a bit daunting? The practical, orderly side of my brain keeps slapping the emotion-driven side, daring it to step out of line. Then I allow myself a minute of “what-if-ing” and it all goes to hell. I would love to write full time and work part time, but that is not a possibility for our family right now. So in the meantime, I will continue to ponder, read, and write my way through the internal chaos. Maybe I happen upon someone else’s blog post about how to become a millionaire overnight. A girl can dream. 

Photo Credit: Kennedy Englert